April 18th 2007- April 18th 2008: A Year In Perspective

Very simply speaking, Friday was one of the worst days of my life. And as impossible as that sounds, given the circumstances of my usual day-to-day hysterics, it was. For weeks, it had been a day I was least looking forward to, praying that by some sheer miracle I could skip over it and wake up Saturday morning. Memories I am forced to relive everyday are now on a more emotional level, and are fixed on a set path that is more traveled than not, and yet, the more I try to build a fence to lock those memories away, I find myself more often tearing down what little progress I have made to lovingly visit what I can reach out an try to grab to only, once again, painfully wake to the reality that what I recall is the past and will never again be my present.

As the blare of my radio forced me out of bed, my eyelids blink violently to force out the light that was then flooding into my now naked pupils, fully dilated after my night of tossing and turning. Going through the movements of pulling myself out of bed, merely 10 minutes after 6 in the morning, I scratch the leg of my Sponge Bob Squarepants pajama pants and glance in the mirror of my paiopa wood dresser, the shell etched designs framing my appearance. Dark, almost, as my frame of dark black curls hang, leaving one perfect spiral to rest alongside my bare shoulders. I remember. I don’t know why, but I do, and, without any further notice, my chest tightens and I feel my throat close around the perfect swell that has formed. I choke as the stinging pain from what seems to stab from my brain to the backs of my eyes brings back a sensation better left and sadly, better known. What knives that stab the backs of my retinas now slide silently down my plump cheeks, rosy and tanned, the result of months spent in a tanning booth. I push them away and suck up my tears- try to pull together what hard shell I have grown over the past year; a steel shell that is only a false appearance to shield the world from what liquid state that my body has assumed. What little remnants remain of my heart have become solid stone- in a sick response to its lack of warmth, affections and the increased amount of rejection aimed at it directly. I relive, standing in my room at dawn, the soft embrace of what was our first kiss. My waist still tingles in the spot where his arms once wrapped me tightly close to him, my ears echoing his voice as clearly as that night…”…Alyssa, you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I don’t know what I’d do without you. Baby, you’re my everything. I’d never hurt you. Please…don’t ever leave me…”

That was one year ago. 365 days passed since my meager life had finally come to some pinnacle. 8,760 hours since my Cinderella story became my reality. 525,600 minutes standing as soldiers in between myself and the only person I’ve ever loved. And better yet, 1 single moment to rip apart my soul. 60 seconds to allow the person I loved so dearly, who so carelessly threw words around with no consideration of what would occur some 9 months later when their validity would be tested to walk out of my life by simply hanging up the phone. And now the slow waltzes are gone, and the arms that held me from danger suddenly let go- and I’m falling. What footsteps mirrored mine on my life path have slowly disappeared and now I only see my own.

He said it quietly, in a quick kind of way. Almost as if I’d understand what he was saying because I’d heard him say it hundreds of times before. “Uhm, so, listen. You deserve a lot. Actually you deserve a lot better- definitely more than I could ever give you because I have so much going on in my life that I need to sort out and a lot of it is unnecessary- you’re unnecessary. Make believe you never met me; forget me-that’s what I’m going to do to you. So, have a good life, Alyssa, you deserve it.”

Unnecessary. Such a simple word; a word I had said and passed thousands of times in my life, and yet, never had such a strong gravity until that one moment, where I learned that it only takes 3,600 milliseconds to completely destroy a person. A year later I still hear his vindictive words echoing as I awaken myself; That I’m in my room. That the tears of acid that burn and fall from my swollen eyes have rolled down my plump cheeks and pool around my chin. That I need to get ready for school. That it’s April 18th 2008. 2008. A year later. And he’s not by my side…